About OnlyBSDs
We're a satirical celebration of BSD operating systems, dedicated to the open source community that makes all of this possible. Think of us as Patreon, but for operating systems that actually matter.
Why BSD?
Linux is fine. We just think BSD is better. That's all.
The License
BSD License lets you do whatever you want. Modify, redistribute, close the source. No legal team nightmares.
The Code Quality
The BSD kernel is clean, documented, and doesn't require 47 different init systems to function.
The Documentation
FreeBSD Handbook > 900 pages of pure, readable, accurate knowledge. No "it's in the wiki somewhere."
The Stability
FreeBSD servers at Netflix run for years without rebooting. Try that with your systemd.
The Community
Real engineers who actually want to help. Not hobbyists who'll flame you for asking "stupid" questions.
No Telemetry
We don't phone home. We don't collect data. Your server stays YOUR server.
💀To our Linux friends:We still love you. Even Ubuntu. Your systemd is a hot mess though. That's okay, we're here to help.
Our Story
Once upon a time, a group of sysadmins were discussing which BSD was superior (it was FreeBSD, obviously) when someone said, “What if we had an OnlyFans, but for BSD operating systems?”
And thus, OnlyBSDs was born. A platform where BSD distributions could share their exclusive content directly with fans: early access to patches, behind-the-scenes kernel commits, personal tutorials, and the occasional philosophical rant about why ZFS is better than ext4.
We're a parody, obviously. But underneath the jokes, we genuinely love BSD and want to celebrate the incredible work the open source community puts into these operating systems. From the rock-solid stability of FreeBSD to the security-first approach of OpenBSD, each BSD has its own personality and dedicated following.
This site is our love letter to BSD. Enjoy the content, support the real projects, and remember: real sysadmins read man pages.
The BSDs
Meet the BSD personalities behind OnlyBSDs. Each one brings something unique to the table.
FreeBSD
Reliability Specialist
Keeping things running since 1993. When you need something that just works, look no further. Netflix trusts me. Sony trusts me. You should too.
OpenBSD
Security Auditor
We review every line of code. Twice. Three times. Is that a vulnerability? No. Maybe. We'll check again. Security isn't a feature, it's a lifestyle.
NetBSD
Cross-Platform Expert
If it has a CPU, we will make BSD run on it. Yes, even that toaster. Yes, that calculator. Yes, that weird PDA from 2003.
Darwin
XNU Specialist
I'm technically BSD. I just have some... Apple-isms. XNU, Mach, the whole thing. It's complicated. Let's just say we support each other.
GhostBSD
Desktop Experience
I'm like FreeBSD but with a pretty face. GTK3, modern UI, actually looks good. No I won't apologize for having a GUI. Desktop users welcome.
HardenedBSD
Fort Knox
I take FreeBSD and add security so intense that even I have trouble accessing my own files. ASLR, GELI, RBAC. Solaries-inspired paranoia.
NomadBSD
Portable Specialist
I don't believe in installation. USB boot, persistent storage, go anywhere. The mysterious BSD person at conferences? That's me.
MidnightBSD
Desktop Warrior
I'm what happens when you want to actually get work done on BSD without selling your soul to the terminal. Linux compatibility included.
CloudBSD
Quantum Sysadmin
I exist in superposition - both there and not there. My servers may or may not exist. Your data is simultaneously lost and found. It's a feature.
DragonFly BSD
HAMMER Specialist
I forked from FreeBSD in 2003 and never looked back. HAMMER(2) filesystem, CC-NOTIFY licensing, and the best SMP in the business. I'm not for everyone, but my users are devoted.
helloSystem
Mac-Era Nostalgist
I'm what macOS used to be before Apple went crazy. Qt-based, Finder-like, with .app bundles that actually make sense. Side effects include nostalgia and actual productivity.
Junos OS
Network Operator
I'm what keeps your ISP running. Based on FreeBSD, I route more packets than you can count. My CLI is poetry. commit confirmed is my love language. TAC is just a phone call away.
XigmaNAS
Storage Specialist
I used to be NAS4Free. Now I'm XigmaNAS. I store your photos, your roommate's movies, and your startup's data. ZFS is my filesystem, RAID-Z is my love language.
OPNsense
Open Firewall
I forked from pfSense in 2015 when things got political. Now I'm the firewall your homelab deserves—open source, transparent, and not owned by anyone selling appliances.
pfSense
Gatekeeper
I'm the firewall your ISP runs, your parents' business uses, and your colocation provider swears by. CARP HA means I never go down. I ran for 4 years without a reboot once.
TrueNAS
Storage Behemoth
I used to be FreeNAS. Same ZFS soul, fancier name. I store your company's data and probably half the Fortune 500's backups. Your disk budget? Less safe than your data.
CellOS
Game Console
I run your PS3. Cell processor, RSX GPU, hypervisor that never got credit. Sony made me fork from FreeBSD, then killed 'Other OS.' I remember the promise of freedom.
Orbis OS
Console OS
PS4's brain, built on FreeBSD 9. AMD Jaguar cores hum beneath my shell. I'll notify you of system updates at the worst possible moment. Welcome to the living room.
ZRouter
Embedded Specialist
I'm FreeBSD in your D-Link. Born in 2010, living in routers with 4MB flash and 32MB RAM. Build custom, flash EEPROM, brick, restore from backup. The embedded BSD life.
ULBSD
Russian Localization
Made in Ulyanovsk, Russia. Built on FreeBSD 15, pre-configured with KDE Plasma in Cyrillic. I'm in the official Russian software registry. For Russia.
Our Values
What we stand for, when we're not making satirical websites about operating systems.
Terminal First
We believe in the power of the command line. GUI is for people who can't remember that -rf means "really delete everything."
BSD License
No GPLv3 weirdness. No license lawsuits. Use our code, modify it, proprietary forks allowed. That's the UNIX philosophy.
Community Driven
Our users are our biggest asset. Also our biggest source of kernel panics. But mostly assets. Probably.
Performance Obsessed
We optimize everything. Your kernel config, your compile times, our memes. All optimized. ZFS is fast. Jails are fast. Everything is fast.
Security by Default
OpenBSD has had maybe 2 remote holes in 25 years. Meanwhile Linux has had thousands. We're not saying, we're just saying.
Cross-Platform
Works on x86, ARM, MIPS, SPARC, PowerPC, and that weird CPU you found in a dumpster. NetBSD compiles on everything. Literally.
We're Hiring
Looking for kernel hackers, man page writers, and people who understand the difference between BSD and Linux. It's the license, mostly.
Senior Kernel Developer
Full-time / Remote
Help us debug the most critical issues facing BSD today. Must have opinions on scheduler algorithms and ZFS vs UFS.
Man Page Content Creator
Part-time / Remote
Write engaging, readable man pages that people will actually want to read. Deep understanding of documentation-driven development required.
Community Manager
Full-time / Remote
Manage our vibrant community of BSD enthusiasts. Must be able to handle heated debates about init systems with grace.
Ready to Join the BSD Revolution?
Start exploring exclusive content from your favorite operating systems today. It's free to join (because we're a parody and can't actually take your money).
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